I spent most of my career saying yes when I meant no. In boardrooms with Fortune 500 clients, during agency pitches that stretched into evenings, through countless requests that drained me dry. My calendar belonged to everyone except me. Sound familiar?
For years, I confused people-pleasing with professionalism. I thought accommodating everyone else’s needs made me a good leader. Instead, it left me exhausted, resentful, and somehow invisible despite all my efforts to be helpful. The breakthrough came when I realized that my inability to assert myself wasn’t about being kind. It was about being afraid.
If you’re an introvert who struggles with assertiveness, you’re carrying a double burden. Your natural tendency toward reflection and accommodation can morph into chronic people-pleasing that erodes your sense of self. But here’s what I’ve learned: assertiveness isn’t about becoming louder or more aggressive. It’s about honoring your own needs while still respecting others. And introverts can learn to do this in ways that feel authentic rather than performative.
Understanding the People-Pleasing Pattern
People-pleasing goes beyond simple niceness. Mental health professionals now recognize it as the fawn response, a trauma response alongside the more familiar fight, flight, and freeze reactions. When we face situations that feel threatening, whether physically or emotionally, some of us instinctively try to appease others to create safety.
Therapist Pete Walker, who coined the term, describes fawning as merging with the wishes and demands of others. We abandon our own needs to serve someone else, hoping this will prevent conflict or rejection. The strategy might work short-term, but it comes at a significant cost to our wellbeing and authenticity.
I used to think my people-pleasing made me easier to work with. Looking back, I can see how it actually made me harder to trust. Colleagues never knew where I really stood. Clients sensed my accommodations weren’t genuine. My team couldn’t rely on my boundaries because I didn’t have any. The very behavior I thought made me likeable was undermining my credibility.
Research published in Clinical Psychology: Science and Practice confirms the connection between unassertiveness and various psychological difficulties. A lack of assertiveness correlates with higher rates of anxiety, depression, lower self-esteem, and relationship problems. The good news? Assertiveness training has strong evidence for addressing these issues.
Why Introverts Struggle With Assertiveness
Introversion itself doesn’t cause people-pleasing, but certain introvert tendencies can make assertiveness feel harder. We process deeply before speaking, which means fast-paced conversations often move on before we’ve formulated our response. We’re sensitive to social cues and others’ emotions, making us acutely aware when our needs might inconvenience someone. We prefer harmony over conflict, and assertiveness can feel like inviting confrontation.
According to Psychology Today, introverts often underestimate the value of their insights. We hesitate to speak up because we’re still processing, then assume the moment has passed. But psychological research suggests that introducing novel ideas to a group, even ones that aren’t ultimately adopted, improves overall creativity and decision-making.
My own journey with assertiveness started when I finally connected my exhaustion to my inability to say no. I was running an agency, managing diverse teams, navigating high-stakes client relationships. And I was saying yes to everything while dying inside. The turning point came during a particularly demanding project when a client asked for weekend deliverables on a Thursday afternoon. Instead of agreeing immediately, I paused. “Let me check with my team and get back to you,” I said. That pause changed everything.
The Difference Between Assertive and Aggressive
Many introverts avoid assertiveness because they conflate it with aggression. They imagine speaking up means becoming loud, demanding, or confrontational. This misunderstanding keeps them stuck in passive patterns that feel safer but aren’t actually serving them.
Assertiveness and aggression differ fundamentally. Aggressive behavior disregards others’ rights and feelings. It’s about winning at someone else’s expense. Assertive behavior respects both your needs and others’ needs. It communicates clearly and directly while maintaining mutual respect. You can be assertive without raising your voice, making demands, or shutting down others’ perspectives.
A randomized controlled trial published in the Journal of Behaviour Research and Therapy found that cognitive-behavioral assertiveness training significantly increased adaptive assertive behaviors while also reducing social anxiety and depression. Participants learned to express themselves clearly without becoming aggressive, and the benefits persisted at one-year follow-up.
Introverts actually have natural advantages when it comes to assertiveness. Our tendency toward thoughtful response means we’re less likely to react impulsively or aggressively. Our listening skills help us understand what others need before we communicate our own needs. Our preference for depth over breadth means we choose our battles wisely rather than asserting ourselves constantly.
Practical Assertiveness Techniques for Introverts
Master the “I Statement” Formula
The foundation of assertive communication is the I statement. This technique, developed by psychologist Thomas Gordon, allows you to express your feelings and needs without blaming or attacking others.
The formula follows a simple pattern: “I feel [emotion] when [specific situation] because [reason]. I would prefer [what you want instead].” For example: “I feel overwhelmed when I receive urgent requests at the end of the day because I can’t give them the attention they deserve. I’d prefer to receive them before 3pm so I can plan accordingly.”
This approach works particularly well for introverts because it requires the kind of self-reflection we do naturally. Before speaking, you identify your actual feeling, pinpoint the specific trigger, understand your reasoning, and determine your preference. This internal processing makes the external communication more precise and less emotionally charged.
Use the Pause Technique
Introverts need processing time. Instead of fighting this, leverage it. When someone makes a request or challenges you, respond with: “Let me think about that and get back to you.” This simple phrase buys you time to formulate a thoughtful response rather than defaulting to automatic accommodation.
I started using this technique with clients who expected immediate answers. “That’s an interesting direction. Let me consider how it fits with our strategy and get back to you tomorrow.” The pause accomplished several things: it gave me time to think, it signaled that I was taking their request seriously, and it created space for me to respond authentically rather than reactively.
Prepare Scripts for Common Situations
Assertiveness gets easier with practice, but many introverts struggle because they’re caught off-guard. Prepare scripts for situations you encounter regularly. What will you say when a colleague dumps work on your desk at 5pm? How will you respond when a family member criticizes your choices? Having prepared responses reduces the cognitive load in the moment.
My go-to scripts evolved over time. For scope creep: “I can certainly add that, but something else will need to come off the plate. Which priority should we adjust?” For unwanted invitations: “Thanks for thinking of me. I’m not going to be able to make it, but I appreciate the invitation.” For unsolicited advice: “That’s one perspective. I’ll take it under consideration.”
Start Small and Build Confidence
According to research on self-esteem and workplace assertiveness, higher self-esteem correlates with greater assertive behavior, and the relationship works in both directions. Successfully asserting yourself builds confidence, which makes future assertiveness easier.
Begin with low-stakes situations. Express a preference for where to eat lunch. Decline a meeting invitation that conflicts with deep work time. Send a message back asking for clarification rather than guessing what someone meant. Each small assertion reinforces your capacity for larger ones.
Overcoming the Internal Barriers
The biggest obstacles to assertiveness are often internal. We fear rejection, conflict, being seen as difficult. We carry beliefs that our needs are less important than others’. We worry that asserting ourselves will damage relationships that matter to us.
I had to confront my own belief that good leaders sacrifice themselves for their teams. This belief drove me to work unsustainable hours, take on problems that weren’t mine to solve, and never push back on unreasonable demands. The irony? My martyrdom wasn’t helping anyone. My team saw my burnout and felt guilty. Clients sensed my resentment bleeding through my accommodations. I was modeling terrible boundaries for everyone around me.
Cognitive restructuring can help challenge these limiting beliefs. When you notice thoughts like “If I say no, they’ll think I’m selfish,” examine the evidence. Have you ever respected someone less because they maintained reasonable boundaries? Has anyone actually abandoned you because you declined a single request? Usually, our fears far outstrip reality.
For many people-pleasers, the root goes deeper than current beliefs. Fawning often develops in childhood as a way to stay safe in unpredictable or critical environments. If asserting yourself brought punishment or withdrawal of love, your nervous system learned that accommodation equals survival. Recognizing this pattern isn’t about assigning blame. It’s about understanding why assertiveness feels so threatening and treating yourself with compassion as you develop new patterns.
Assertiveness in Different Contexts
At Work
Professional settings often feel like the hardest place to be assertive, especially if your livelihood depends on workplace relationships. But research consistently shows that assertive employees experience less burnout, greater job satisfaction, and stronger professional reputations. Clear communication about capacity and boundaries actually builds trust rather than eroding it.
In meetings, introverts can assert themselves without dominating. Ask clarifying questions that reveal you’ve been listening carefully. Summarize complex discussions to demonstrate understanding. Request time to prepare when topics spring unexpectedly. “I want to give this the attention it deserves. Can we revisit this after I’ve had time to think it through?”
In Relationships
Close relationships often suffer most from people-pleasing patterns. Partners don’t know what we actually want. Friends make assumptions based on our accommodations rather than our preferences. Family members take advantage of our inability to say no. Ironically, our attempts to maintain harmony create distance.
Assertiveness in relationships means showing up authentically. Express your actual preferences, even when they differ from others’. Share your feelings without making them someone else’s responsibility. Set boundaries around your time, energy, and emotional availability. The people who love you genuinely will appreciate knowing the real you, not the performance of accommodation.
Building a Sustainable Assertiveness Practice
Assertiveness isn’t a destination. It’s an ongoing practice that requires attention and adjustment. Some days you’ll assert yourself beautifully. Other days you’ll fall back into old patterns. Both outcomes provide information for growth.
Keep a record of assertiveness attempts. What did you say? How did it feel? What was the actual outcome versus your feared outcome? This data helps you recognize patterns and build evidence that assertiveness doesn’t lead to the catastrophes you imagine.
Notice your energy levels. People-pleasing is exhausting because it requires constant vigilance about others’ needs while ignoring your own. As you practice assertiveness, you may find unexpected reserves of energy returning. That’s your authentic self emerging from behind the performance.
Expect some relationships to shift. People who benefited from your accommodation may resist your new boundaries. This doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong. It means the relationship was built on an unsustainable foundation. Healthy relationships can adapt to you showing up more authentically. Unhealthy ones reveal themselves when you stop performing.
The Introvert Advantage in Assertiveness
Contrary to the stereotype, introverts can be exceptionally effective at assertive communication. We bring thoughtfulness to our words, making them land with precision rather than volume. We listen carefully before responding, ensuring our assertiveness addresses what’s actually happening. We choose our battles wisely, reserving our assertive energy for situations that truly matter.
The key is finding assertiveness styles that match our natural preferences. Written communication allows for careful crafting of our message. One-on-one conversations feel more manageable than group settings. Preparation time enables us to show up confident rather than reactive. We don’t need to become extroverts to be assertive. We need to be assertive in introvert-friendly ways.
My assertiveness practice today looks nothing like the aggressive pushback I once feared. It’s quiet and consistent. It’s setting expectations clearly from the start rather than negotiating boundaries later. It’s being honest about my capacity rather than overcommitting and underdelivering. It’s trusting that people can handle my authentic responses, even when those responses disappoint them.
Moving Forward
If you’ve spent years, perhaps decades, as a people-pleaser, transformation won’t happen overnight. Your nervous system learned these patterns for good reasons, and it needs time to learn new ones. Be patient with yourself. Celebrate small victories. Recognize that every moment you honor your own needs is a step toward becoming more fully yourself.
The irony I discovered is that assertiveness made me a better leader, not a worse one. When I started setting boundaries, my team trusted me more because they knew where I stood. Clients respected our work more because I protected its quality. Colleagues sought my opinion because they knew I’d give them an honest one. The accommodation I thought people wanted was actually undermining the trust and connection I sought.
You don’t have to become someone else to be assertive. You have to become more yourself. Your preferences matter. Your boundaries deserve respect. Your authentic voice, when you finally use it, has something valuable to contribute. The world doesn’t need another people-pleaser. It needs you, showing up fully, speaking your truth, and modeling what healthy assertiveness looks like for all the introverts watching and wondering if it’s possible for them too.
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About the Author
Keith Lacy is an introvert who’s learned to embrace his true self later in life. With a background in marketing and a successful career in media and advertising, Keith has worked with some of the world’s biggest brands. As a senior leader in the industry, he has built a wealth of knowledge in marketing strategy. Now, he’s on a mission to educate both introverts and extroverts about the power of introversion and how understanding this personality trait can unlock new levels of productivity, self-awareness, and success.
Frequently Asked Questions
What is the difference between assertiveness and aggression?
Assertiveness involves expressing your needs and boundaries while respecting others’ rights. Aggression disregards others’ feelings and focuses on winning at their expense. Introverts can be assertive through calm, clear communication without becoming confrontational or loud.
Why do introverts struggle with assertiveness?
Introverts often need processing time before responding, are highly sensitive to social cues and others’ emotions, and prefer harmony over conflict. These traits can make assertiveness feel threatening, but they also provide advantages once introverts learn assertive communication techniques that match their natural style.
What is the fawn response in people-pleasing?
The fawn response is a trauma response where individuals appease others to create safety, abandoning their own needs to avoid conflict or rejection. Coined by therapist Pete Walker, it joins fight, flight, and freeze as a recognized stress response that often develops in childhood.
How can introverts practice assertiveness?
Introverts can practice assertiveness by using I statements to express feelings clearly, employing the pause technique to buy processing time, preparing scripts for common situations, and starting with low-stakes scenarios to build confidence gradually before tackling more challenging situations.
Does assertiveness training actually work?
Research strongly supports assertiveness training effectiveness. Studies show it increases adaptive assertive behavior, reduces anxiety and depression symptoms, improves self-esteem, and enhances relationship satisfaction. Benefits persist long-term, with participants maintaining improvements at one-year follow-up assessments.
