Flying Monkeys: Why People Enable Narcissists

Someone corners you at a family gathering to explain why you should forgive the person who hurt you. A mutual friend texts asking why you’re “being difficult” about attending an event with someone you’ve distanced yourself from. Your colleague stops by your desk to share how much the person you’re avoiding “really misses you” and “just wants things to go back to normal.”

These aren’t neutral messengers. They’re flying monkeys.

In my two decades managing teams and observing workplace dynamics, I learned to spot the patterns others miss. Those small shifts in energy, the inconsistencies between what people say and what they do, the way information travels through social networks. My brain processes these details quietly, building a map of who enables what and why. That same attention to emotional atmosphere helped me recognize flying monkeys long before I knew the term existed.

Flying monkeys are individuals recruited by manipulators to do their bidding. They might deliver messages, gather information, apply social pressure, or work to bring you back into contact with someone you’ve intentionally distanced yourself from. Sometimes they know exactly what they’re doing. Often, they don’t. Understanding this dynamic matters because recognizing enablers protects your boundaries as effectively as recognizing the primary manipulator. Our General Introvert Life hub covers various social dynamics, and flying monkeys represent one of the more insidious patterns people face.

The Psychological Mechanism Behind Flying Monkeys

The term “flying monkey” comes from The Wizard of Oz, where the Wicked Witch sends winged creatures to do her dirty work. In psychological contexts, these are people manipulated or persuaded to support someone else’s agenda, typically someone with narcissistic or manipulative tendencies.

A 2019 study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships examined “proxy recruitment” in interpersonal conflicts. Researchers found that individuals with higher levels of narcissistic traits were significantly more likely to recruit third parties to support their position in disputes, particularly when direct confrontation might expose their behavior.

Flying monkeys serve multiple purposes for the manipulator. Extending reach beyond what one person can accomplish alone represents the first advantage. Plausible deniability emerges since the manipulator can claim innocence while others carry out the pressure campaign. Creating the illusion of consensus happens when multiple people express the same message, making it seem more legitimate. Most importantly, flying monkeys drain the target’s energy by forcing boundary defense on multiple fronts.

During my agency years, I watched this play out in corporate settings. One executive would privately undermine a colleague, then send other team members to “check in” and subtly gather intel or plant seeds of doubt. The executive never appeared directly involved, but the damage accumulated through seemingly innocent conversations. My observation skills, honed through years of paying attention to what people don’t say, helped me see the pattern before others did.

Types of Flying Monkeys

The Well-Meaning Peacemaker

These individuals genuinely believe they’re helping. Seeing two people in conflict, peacemakers assume their role is mediating, restoring harmony, or encouraging forgiveness. The dynamic often misses that one party may have legitimate reasons for maintaining distance. Common refrains include “life’s too short to hold grudges” or “they’re family, you have to work it out.”

Research from the Stanford Center on Conflict and Negotiation shows that third-party mediators often fail to recognize power imbalances in relationships, particularly when one party has a history of manipulative behavior. Well-meaning peacemakers typically lack information about the full context of the situation.

The Manipulated Believer

These flying monkeys have been fed a carefully constructed narrative. Manipulators present themselves as victims, sharing selective information that paints the target as unreasonable, cold, or vindictive. Believers accept this story at face value and act accordingly, genuinely thinking they’re supporting someone who’s been wronged.

Psychologist Dr. Craig Malkin, author of Rethinking Narcissism, explains that narcissists excel at creating compelling victim narratives. They present just enough truth mixed with distortion to make their story believable, particularly to people who haven’t witnessed the full pattern of their behavior.

The Active Participant

Some flying monkeys know exactly what they’re doing. They might have their own agenda, enjoy the drama, or benefit from staying in the manipulator’s good graces. They actively gather information, report back, and work to undermine the target’s credibility or boundaries. These are the most dangerous type because their actions are calculated and intentional.

In one particularly memorable client situation, I watched a director use an assistant as an active flying monkey, having them gather information about which team members were “loyal” and which were “problematic.” The assistant seemed to relish this role, enjoying the perceived power and inside access it provided. Recognizing this dynamic early allowed the team to protect sensitive information and maintain professional boundaries.

The Fear-Based Enabler

These individuals act as flying monkeys because they’re afraid not to. They’ve seen what happens when someone doesn’t comply with the manipulator’s wishes. They might have witnessed retaliation, experienced it themselves, or simply fear losing access to a social group or professional network. Their participation comes from self-protection, not genuine belief in the manipulator’s narrative.

Recognizing Flying Monkey Tactics

Flying monkeys employ specific communication patterns. Learning to recognize these helps you respond effectively rather than getting drawn into circular arguments or defending boundaries you’ve already established.

Flying monkeys bring up the manipulator in conversations where the topic doesn’t warrant it. You’re discussing weekend plans, and suddenly someone mentions how much the person you’re avoiding would love to join. Interventions get framed as caring, presented as concern for you or the relationship rather than pressure to comply. Your experiences get minimized with phrases like “I’m sure they didn’t mean it that way” or “you might be reading too much into it.”

Flying monkeys often employ guilt tactics. Past positive experiences get weaponized, suggesting you’re being unforgiving or implying your boundaries hurt innocent parties. Intelligence gathering happens through seemingly innocent questions about your feelings, plans, or thoughts about the situation, then reporting this information back.

A 2021 study in the Journal of Family Psychology examined third-party involvement in family conflicts. Researchers found that information-gathering behaviors, even when presented as concern, significantly predicted increased conflict intensity and longer resolution times. The presence of multiple third parties consistently correlated with more entrenched positions and greater emotional distress for targets.

Watch for people who create urgency around reconciliation. Pressure for immediate resolution suggests that delaying makes things worse or wastes time. Triangulation happens when flying monkeys share what others supposedly think or say, using social pressure to influence your decision.

Related reading: flying-monkeys-narcissist-turns-others-against-introvert.

My years in high-pressure agency environments taught me to recognize when someone’s questions served purposes beyond the stated intent. That skill translates directly to identifying flying monkeys. When someone asks detailed questions about your reasoning, your emotional state, or your plans regarding another person, consider where that information might travel and how it might be used.

Why Introverts May Be Particularly Vulnerable

Several factors make those of us who process the world internally more susceptible to flying monkey manipulation. Understanding these vulnerabilities helps us protect against them.

Many of us avoid conflict, preferring to minimize confrontation rather than engage in repeated boundary defense. Flying monkeys exploit this preference, wearing down resistance through persistence. We might value harmony in relationships, making us more responsive to peacemaking attempts, even when those attempts serve someone else’s agenda.

Those who rely on internal processing often need time to formulate responses to social pressure. Flying monkeys frequently press for immediate answers, creating situations where thoughtful people feel rushed into decisions they haven’t fully processed. Our tendency toward self-reflection can also work against us. We might question whether our boundaries are reasonable or whether we’re being too harsh, especially when multiple people suggest we reconsider.

Research from personality psychologists Jennifer Grimes and Joanna McHugh Power found that individuals scoring higher on introversion scales reported greater difficulty maintaining boundaries in the face of social pressure, particularly when that pressure came from multiple sources. The study, published in Personality and Individual Differences, noted that participants often second-guessed their initial boundary decisions when confronted by well-meaning third parties.

Smaller social circles mean flying monkey tactics can be particularly effective. When someone’s entire friend group or family system gets recruited, targets face isolation if they maintain boundaries. The fear of losing connection can override rational assessment of the situation.

For years, I tried to keep peace in social situations that didn’t warrant it. My natural inclination toward avoiding conflict made me an easy target for people who wanted to push me back into relationships I’d intentionally stepped away from. Learning to recognize flying monkey behavior helped me distinguish between genuine concern and manipulation disguised as care. You can explore more about maintaining boundaries in our article on ways people sometimes work against their own interests.

Effective Responses to Flying Monkeys

Responding to flying monkeys requires a different approach than dealing with the primary manipulator. The response strategy depends on the type of flying monkey and your relationship with them.

For well-meaning peacemakers, brief, firm statements work best. “I appreciate your concern, but I’m not comfortable discussing this” ends the conversation without excessive explanation. You’re not obligated to justify your boundaries to third parties, even when those third parties mean well. Avoid detailed explanations since these often get reported back or used to construct counterarguments.

Create a standard response you can deploy consistently. Something like “I’ve made my decision about this relationship, and I’m not revisiting it” provides closure without debate. Repetition matters more than eloquence. Flying monkeys often interpret elaborate explanations as openings for negotiation.

With manipulated believers, decide whether the relationship warrants setting them straight. Sometimes it does. Other times, accepting that they’ll believe what they’ve been told costs less energy than trying to correct the record. When you do choose to address misinformation, stick to facts without emotional language. “That’s not what happened. I’m not discussing it further” sets the record straight without engaging in a he-said-she-said battle.

Psychology Today contributor Dr. Elinor Greenberg emphasizes the importance of the “grey rock” method when dealing with enablers in manipulative systems. The technique involves being as uninteresting and unreactive as possible, providing no emotional fuel or information that can be weaponized. Boring responses like “I don’t have anything to say about that” or “that’s between them and me” shut down information-gathering attempts.

For active participants and fear-based enablers, consider reducing contact or implementing strict information control. Share nothing about your thoughts, feelings, or plans regarding the primary manipulator. These individuals have demonstrated they’ll relay information, so treat them accordingly. You might maintain surface-level relationships for professional or family reasons, but protect yourself by keeping interactions shallow.

One of my most valuable professional skills became saying very little while appearing engaged. In meetings where I suspected information would be weaponized, I learned to ask questions rather than offer opinions, to listen without revealing my thinking, and to maintain pleasant but consistently neutral interactions. Those same skills protect against flying monkeys. You don’t owe anyone access to your internal processing or decision-making about relationships.

Document interactions if flying monkey behavior escalates into harassment. Save messages, note dates and times of conversations, and maintain records of boundary violations. You probably won’t need this documentation, but having it provides options if the situation deteriorates. For more strategies on managing challenging social dynamics, see our guide on why certain communication modes feel particularly draining.

When Flying Monkeys Appear in Professional Settings

Workplace flying monkeys present unique challenges since you can’t always reduce contact or remove yourself from the system. Professional environments create forced proximity and power dynamics that manipulators exploit.

Recognize when colleagues start gathering information on behalf of someone else. Questions about your satisfaction with certain projects, your thoughts on specific people, or your future plans might seem like friendly concern but serve intelligence-gathering purposes. Information asymmetry protects you. The person asking doesn’t need to know what you’re thinking, planning, or feeling about workplace dynamics.